Lyrics
E-Petition!
Please note that the filming of tonight’s gig on smart-phones will be ridiculed by the performer…
It has been said, more than once, that I’ve got low aspirations…
But I’ve just never been interested in an early morning scurry for a train whilst carrying a coffee holder
Or being the bloke with a club card on his key ring and a trolley token in his Roy Cropper style wallet
Or the man who wears shorts for 10 months of the year and then dons a wet-suit to have a paddle
Whenever I’m near the coast, I spend time wondering why you’ll always find someone vacuuming in a seaside arcade
Which takes my mind off the perplexing rise of the “half and half” football scarf wearer
I guess, in many ways, I’m just a free spirit… and if anyone happens to be in any doubt, I’ve got the Stonehenge solstice selfies to prove it
Don’t stop me I’m on a mission
Gonna start an e-petition!
Welcome to the great streaming debate where those who claim “If I like something, I buy it” appear to be drowning out the musicians hoping to air their 0.003 penneth
I don’t know about you, but I’ve given up on eating out these days
It’s not just the expense, I can’t face being told to “enjoy” as my order’s delivered to the table.
I collected a parcel from the sorting office last week and was given the same cringe-worthy command.
He wasn’t to know it was a home dentistry kit, but that’s exactly my point!
To make matters worse, I returned home to find my hurried parking had been photographed and posted on a local busybody’s social media group.
Named, shamed, and hung out to dry!
Don’t stop me I’m on a mission
Gonna start an e-petition!
Gonna start an e-petition
To stop spam from e-petitions
Share your troubles they say…
But I’m not ready to reveal details of the time I got run over by a smart car whilst ironically sporting a Kylie and Jason top on Wear Your Old Band T-shirt To Work Day.
These are difficult enough times as it is -
I sold a guitar on eBay recently
No feedback from the buyer, but then it was only an acoustic…
Don’t stop me I’m on a mission
Gonna start an e-petition
Gonna start an e-petition
To stop spam from e-petitions
Double Edged Swords
A new cure for insomnia that’s more than just a myth
Audio books by former Arsenal striker Alan Smith
The chill out zone, meets nasal monotone
Fashion advice from eBay sellers, I can’t help but doubt
So many items claim “look great with jeans on a night out”
Can’t get to grips, with these style tips
I have to wonder if there’ll ever be a time
When bands stop posting, rehearsal clips online
You may be rock ‘n’ roll saviours, but they do you no favours
The local kids swimming club, pack shopping at a cost
I leave the supermarket with my bread and crisps all squashed
They should be briefed, put tins underneath
My zest for the high life, it seems, has ebbed away
As I struggle with a word search on a rainy holiday
Dark feelings lurk, knowing I’m soon back at work
Monday morning daydreams as a colleague reminisces –
Detailed descriptions of a Sunday league misses
Just when you think things may be going your way
You realize you can’t win
It’s like being offered a slot on ‘Later With Jools’
… As long as you let him join in
Boogie-woogie piano chords - double edged swords
Can’t help but feel ungrateful, for gestures from the smug
Who take pity on my plight by sending me a cyber-hug
They all should fear - my cyber clip round the ear…
People think I’m stubborn and it’s getting out of hand
But they don’t realize I’ve got a mate in a tribute band
Though not condoned, he’s not yet been disowned
I’m not always against an idle preconception
So never trust a man who owns the Chubby Brown collection
Just when you think things may be going your way
You realize you can’t win
It’s like being offered a slot on ‘Later With Jools’
… As long as you let him join in
Boogie-woogie piano chords - double edged swords
Cryptic Self Pity
Five to three, Saturday afternoon.
Let me entertain you blares out through the stadium tannoy speakers…
As a Tony Pulis side run out, hell bent on nullifying the opposition, before occasionally securing an undeserved late winner.
About as much fun as a soon to become former friend, who tells you he’s not only going to keep his Movember, but also plans to cultivate a hipster beard…
It can only add to the uneasiness already created…
by him wearing brogues with no socks.
Aspiring celebrities take to twitter following the tragic news of the passing of a D-lister
they once spoke to at a party in 2010.
RIP with exclamation marks.
PR condolences, united in false emotion.
Lives touched, shaped and inspired by what was, in truth, an unmemorable conversation.
Time to reassess lifetime goals as a tribute –
All that she wants is another baby,
a commemorative tattoo and a blue tick
I’m going home to post cryptic self pity
Going for a pint has never been so competitive. Bragging rights secured by the highest percentage and highest price
I’m talking, of course, about the modern day horror…
that is pubs serving drinks in branded glasses.
Smug high fives in the marketing department, while customers complain to bar staff about the use of inferior trademarks on busy nights
I’m still at a loss as to why eating and drinking are now described as cheeky… When I’d stupidly assumed they were basic human needs…
Coming up… a tired old band set to announce they’re either branching out or going back to their roots by doing an arboretum tour.
Spotted in the small ads…Graphologist seeks calligrapher – I think the writing’s on the wall.
Voluntary work’s OK for those that can afford it, while recreational cycling appears far to popular these days
I once wrote an open letter on these and other subjects to Channel 4… Sadly, out of habit, I sealed the envelope before posting
I’m going home to post cryptic self pity
To be avoided… those who combine a kagoul and clip board, psychic meeting attendees who wrongly predict you’d be interested in their evening, and anyone of the opinion that Harry Redknapp should have been made England manager
Teenagers who listen to the likes of Hall & Oats, Phil Collins and Dire Straits with a hint of irony
Teenagers who listen to the likes of Hall & Oats, Phil Collins and Dire Straits without a hint of irony
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I’m going home to post cryptic self pity
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Online Beer Club

He says mainstream ales, just bore him
The man who’s got it all, but needs someone to make decisions for him
I know you’ve got the facts, and who am I to doubt it
“Beer tastes better when you know a bit more about it”
Apparently…
The choice is never ending
For the connoisseur or the condescending… from the online club!
Spring-like hops with a yeasty bite
The recipe for working up an appetite
Although he quite fancied a bag of chips
Opted for artisan kale and ricotta dips
See instagram for proof…
Watch my love of life diminish
When I hear of peach aromas and a zingy grapefruit finish… from the online club!
A misconstrued complexity
Craving authenticity
An elusive, bitter quality
Not sure if that’s the drinkers or the ales
He loves to recall the first time he said
He was off to work on his crafts, in his shed
His palate’s cleansed with his selection
Drinking alone with his vinyl collection
Hipster paradise…
Pumpkin gluten-free’s my favourite
It’s not just millennials who savour it… I’ve joined the online club!
A misconstrued complexity
Craving authenticity
An elusive, bitter quality
Not sure if that’s the drinkers or the ales!
The choice is never ending
For the connoisseur or the condescending… from the online club!
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Leopard Print Onesie
Stuck scriptwriters pen the return of an old soap rogue
In a desperate bid to revive interest and boost ratings
It’s FA Cup weekend... When stand in pundits criticise managers
For fielding reserves
Join us tonight at 9, as we take a nostalgic look back to when times were similarly poor
But the music was much better…
Bertrand Russell, Isaac Newton, Pythagoras, Einstein… Joey Barton
Inspiring the next generation…
Radio callers gloat about listening to the show everyday…
Whilst working from home
And at last, I understand why tradesmen on building sites
Never bother to quite tune them in properly
Yet another long distance lorry driver pulls into a lay-by in tears…
To text in, upon hearing an emotional song
A discussion on crisp pack sell-by dates, interspersed with old kids TV themes
Inspiring the next generation…
The revival of something not much good in the first place, gathers momentum
While original mods attach mirrors to mobility scooters
I can’t help but worry about whether the mods, skins and rude boys of tomorrow…
Will dress in Andy Murray polo shirts
Singer/songwriters’ collaboration threats
Having reached retrospective points in their careers
Self promotion reminiscent, of wind-chimes in a hurricane
Inspiring the next generation…
Sport can still unite as I’m sure it will forever
‘Cause when things don’t go your way, it’s nice to boo together
Considering it’s the age of the conspiracy theory…
I’m surprised no-one’s questioned how the fella off The Apprentice got the Countdown job
Of course, I’m all for re-cycling, but I just reckon bags for life
Should become cheaper as you get older
The decline of social drinking, replaced by the more affordable
junk food escape route
Deep Pan’s People, Greggs & Co! The Gastric Band are this weeks Top of the Ops
Inspiring the next generation…
A scuffle breaks out in the record store day queue
Highlighting the competitive pursuit of vinyl rarities
My time’s often spent trying to get my head round the fact, that
Sam Smith sells more records than TV Smith
I’m at least temporarily buoyed by the imminent arrival…
Of +2 channels… and bird flu
Nom nom, bake off, hit me with your selfie stick, leopard print onesie!
Inspiring the next generation…
Inspiring the next generation…
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Copy Cats
They’ve got matching tops, they’re hand in hand
The Ramones are their favourite t-shirt brand
Buy one, get one free in Matalan
Thinking for yourself never went to plan…
High street steady survivor
More Betty than Swervedriver
I read a Jamie Oliver’s Feastival review
Where ex-Top Gear presenters jumped the queue
To a sign publicising ageing sleaze
But it was Alex James’s aptly named new cheese
Alt-Fest soon, so I’ll hope for gloomy weather
Then we can all be alternative together…
A ship called Plagiarism, fully booked, and set to sail
Bears no shame whatsoever as copy cats prevail
Ignore the progress blueprint, it’s still under review
I love the way you’re different - Can I be different too?
Covers gigs in pubs should be banned
If played with the aid of a music stand
I’ll make no apologies for my stern stance
If you can’t learn them in advance
They like to build new shops round by me
Disregarding architectural history
Ignoring all the empty ones we’ve got
They paved Paradise Balti and put up a parking lot
They promise outlets many towns would kill for
Like the one’s people go to Merry Hill for
(Like everywhere else)
A ship called Plagiarism, fully booked, and set to sail
Bears no shame whatsoever as copy cats prevail
Ignore the progress blueprint, it’s still under review
I love the way you’re different - Can I be different too?
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Back In The Day
I recently came 4th on a reality show - Now it’s time to reveal my plans
I’m getting the band back together - As a special thanks to the fans
We never made any money back then - But what people tend to forget
Is we were young, having fun and no-one explained - The difference between gross and net
Tickets go on sale in the morning - We’d really love to see you there
It’s going to be just like the old days – Though without the shoulder pads and hair
On the school run I’ve pondered my life change – More family than front man
I got by as the face of Toilet Duck - Ignoring jibes about careers down the pan
Not quite the original line up - Which I know, for some, is a shame
But Terry’s no longer with us, couldn’t handle life without minor fame
Paul and Gaz are back on board, though I’ve heard that Brian’s miffed
But the promise of a payday and the passing of time - Couldn’t heal our old rift
Adored by the ladies – Back then it was all on a plate
It’s cruel to say I’m stuck in the 80’s – But they’re times I’d love to re-create
Reminiscing in our tour bus – About travelling in a clapped out van
It used to be lock up your daughters – We joke it’s now more lock up your Nan
Name checked by cool new bands – Hope it helps to end the Royalties drought
Seems everyone else is re-forming – It’s only fair that we don’t miss out
Be careful not to pastiche yourselves – I heard our old rivals say
Shame they never took their own advice – Back in the day
The press reported gigs as half empty – Though that wasn’t quite the case
Ask any of the handful of diehards – They’ll tell you we rocked the place
Promoters were slightly ambitious – Arenas perhaps too big
I was the only bloke in the venue – Not wearing a mullet wig
So now the tour is over – And I’m left to face my fears
I used to dream of a comeback – In what the papers call my wilderness years
Time to face the music - Hope it’s not the end of the line
The new songs were met with indifference – They just need to be given time
Need something to swell the coffers – But we’ll have to wait and see
Who’s first to come up with an offer…
Perhaps a music channel or talent show panel
My pension plan needs a tour of Japan
New recording sessions or I could take acting lessons
I’m sure I could cope with a panto or soap
Or failing that…
then it’s back to reality.
Botox Lunch Break
Got a wire wool brush to remove hard skin
And a recipe book called eat yourself thin
There’s no rule to losing weight, it says
So I’m digesting a page each day
Got a tip from a Sunday magazine
Rub legs with sunflower margarine
Then place cucumber over eyes
Guaranteed to attract the flies
I’m on a mental and physical quest
To reverse the ageing process
Sun beds make your skin look old
So every week I get mine sprayed gold
Giving off a glow through the salon door
Here comes Pantone 164
Exfoliating facial scrub
Rejuvenating in the hot tub
Pleasure meets pain, while relaxing
I’m booked in for an intimate waxing
On a mental and physical quest
To reverse the ageing process
Afternoon’s spent traipsing round stores
Trying to find a coat just like yours
Carrot juice sipped on a spa weekend
Cabbage soup diet, lost all my friends
Bottled water, slim-fast shake
Salsa-cise, Botox lunch break
Now, medical science has invented a cream
To help boost flagging self esteem…
Demand is great, the price even higher
I’m so glad it’s something I don’t require
On a mental and physical quest
To reverse the ageing process
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Lookalike Bond
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Not one to stand out from the crowd, an average man on the street
I have to work long hours, still can’t seem to make ends meet
People have always said I resemble an actor on TV
I don’t quite know how I ended up joining a look-alike agency
The work was steady, with the opening of a sports shop and a bar
Hardly an insight into what it must be like to be a star
Until one morning, I awoke to find an unexpected twist
My double was named as the next James Bond, and overnight became ‘A’ list
My name’s Bond – They say dead ringer
My name’s Bond
My name’s Bond – You only live twice, Goldfinger
My name’s Bond… James look-alike Bond
I forged signatures in Cannes; when I was there to see the sights
Seemed a far cry from switching on some village Christmas lights
Factory hours, now even more a distant memory
Former workmates, I hear, are passing comment jealously
My name’s Bond – I’m so well dressed, exuding charm
My Name’s Bond
My name’s Bond – With a wannabe Honor Blackman on my arm
My name’s Bond… James look-alike Bond
I turned on the TV news, left me shaken not stirred
As the (money) penny dropped, my whole world crashed by what I heard
My doppelganger, is not all he’s cracked up to be
I’ll admit… It scared the living daylights out of me!
His list of crime seems endless, he’s facing 007 years inside
The press are out to get him, my high life’s on the slide
The public are alleging other serious matters
I think I’ll have to sue – my career’s in tatters!
My name’s Bond – The novelty’s wearing thin
My name’s Bond
My name’s Bond – At the mercy of my famous twin
My name’s Bond, James Look-alike Bond
I was tempted by the taste of celebrity and wealth –
Fooled into thinking I’d be bettering myself
A small crumb of comfort to ease my loss of earning
Is the hangers on have gone; and I doubt they’ll be returning
Fame based on looks, I won’t be such a fool again
But I felt I needed something to help to ease the pain
I sought medical advice in a bid to ease my woe
My GP said “sit down, Bond” - I said “Dr, NO!”
I’m not Bond – Forget the man I used to be
I’m not Bond
I’m not Bond – Must be someone else who looks like me…